All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
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he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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