Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
