put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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