12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
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Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
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I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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