Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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