R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
