The maid of honor just puked.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
