Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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