You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
