Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
