PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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