Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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