When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
