I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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