he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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