It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
