Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
