he was CRYING into my vagina
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
