I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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