Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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