Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
