Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
