oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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