You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
