Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
