i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
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I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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