Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
