im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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