YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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