On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Cover your peen. We're going out.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
