I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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