You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Please, let me fuck your mom
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
