i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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