theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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