I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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