worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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