talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
