I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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