Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
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She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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