onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
