i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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