so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
