DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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