he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
