I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
