i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
