Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
