Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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