i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
