I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
