Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
