Are we in a gay sports bar?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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