Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
