8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
